My home is my sanctuary. It is my holy ground. It’s where I am safe. It’s where I can come before my Lord and savior and pour out my broken heart and lay exhausted from weeping at his feet while he gently strokes my hair and whispers words of love and healing to my heart. It’s filled with his music, his word. The only thing it lacks is his children. My brothers and sisters in Christ. And that’s risky for me. I know Jesus will never leave me or forsake me, but people will, and they have. Relationships is something I crave, I long to be in, to be a part of, to belong. To be a part of a family. Yet I always see myself as the outsider, the unwanted one, the abandoned one. Why? Because it’s the role I was thrust into at a young age and it’s familiar. When I venture out and get stung, I go back into isolation, always the outsider, the victim, the martyr. I’m grateful that I can see these behaviors in myself, however, changing them is so much easier said than done. I have become very aware how powerful fear is in my life. A wise man once said Fear is simply a lack of trust in God. So if God says he can bring good out of all things to those who love him, then why do I choose to go into hiding instead of facing the pain and wait on him to bring forth his promise? If he says I am his beloved, then why do I need help to believe it. If I am forgiven, then why do i wallow in self persecution and shame? The answer is simple, I CHOOSE these things, because it is what is familiar. It’s habit. Growing in the Lord does not mean doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results just because I believe, waiting on him for deliverance, that’s insanity. No, it’s a choice. It’s choosing to do the unfamiliar, in my case, it’s choosing to trust. There is a song that says “If you want to be someone else, then change your mind” How simply beautiful and true, yet dreadfully complex. The mind is my battlefield. Allowing God to change my heart ,my thoughts, therefor my behaviors is a process. Jesus calls it sanctification. I didn’t get this way over night and it will take time to undo what I have become. One day at a time. Trusting, that even if i do get hurt yet again, he will bring good out of it.
Recovery amazes me. The grace, understanding, and encouragement that come from those who have walked before me simply astounds me. It’s mind boggling how different I am today verses the kind of person I was just 5 years ago. I know we all change over time, but this is not what I am talking about. It’s the type of change when one walks into a recovery meeting the very first time, suicidal, broken, helpless and desperate. I have learned so much, yet still I struggle, but the struggle is different now. Instead of struggling in a world of addictions that danced with lust, drugs, vanity, alcohol, and people addiction, I know struggle with self confidence, healthy boundaries and food addiction. I have overcome many obstacles and have good sobriety in many areas, but not so much in newer areas. There are some deep wounds that God is bringing forth in my life, and it is real easy to fall back into the familiar patter of playing the victim, but I don’t want that anymore. I wan to be healed and made whole by the lover of my soul. Yet as my sponsor says, it’s progress, not perfection. I didn’t get this way over night, it’s going to take time to continue to undo what I have become. God is not finished with me yet. I find hope in those kind of statements, yet in the back of my mind the enemy whispers “If only Jesus offered instant gratification like I do” And I choose once more the road less traveled, for I know all to well the Father of lies will be waiting for me when I choose to fall..
It really wasn’t a big deal. At least that is how I justify it. But if the big book says thou shall not lie, then why is it so easy for me to do it? I said I had a migraine to get out of going to a community group I have been a part of for almost two years, so i could go to the service at the church I just joined. No big deal, right? But then, if a sin is a sin is a sin, then to the big guy up above, it is a big deal. So why did i lie? Why didn’t I just come out and say “Hey, this community Group really isn’t working for me and so instead, I’m going to go connect at my new church” But I didn’t. Fear is the answer. I find I am bound and chained by fear. I love the ladies I am in the community group with, and I fear disappointing them, I fear what they will think of me if they know I do not feel the same way about our group as they do, i fear that there is something wrong with me because I don’t and that i am not growing as a result of this group as the other ladies claim they are, i fear their reaction if they know I would rather be at church than being there. It’s not that I don’t want to be with them, I do, they are all very special to me. I have simply found something else on sunday evenings that I would rather go to, that helps me connect and grow closer to my God. So why so much fear over such a silly thing? Is it really silly? to me it’s not. I face this kind of fear all day every day. For me, I think it stems from fear of rejection, which is a very deep-rooted in my heart. So instead of trusting God, I chose to lie. And now I feel shame from doing so, and I’m even more afraid to face the ladies that I love and stood up tonight. So my only option is to come clean, face my fear, and trust God with the outcome. As always, it’s so much easier said then done. Have you ever said something that is not true and thought “why did I just say that? ” Why did you?